Lamentable Dustmen Volume 3
C is for Crappy
Will “Carnage” Cairns
Record: 1-46 (5 ineligible), 3-43 Amateur - 0.021
Current Losing Streak: 5
Last Win: February 22, 2020
Notes: Will Cairns gets called “very experienced” in all his fights, yet his record is never discussed. Curious. He loves nothing more than to throw winging haymakers, get taken down, and smashed on the ground. Whether it’s a no-hooks RNC or tepid ground and pound, Will Cairns will tap out to anyone’s offense, guaranteed or your money back!
Best Names: Bane Dundavan, Dan Tempest, Josh Leet, James Huck, Dru Oakes, Jazz Singh, Tommy Gunn, Kevin Fryer, Kams Ekpo, Dan Gibbon, Onur Caglar, Nigel Whitear, Rico Franco, Kimbo Tinghaugen, Festus Ahorlu, Iss Kurdi
Melville Calabaca
Record: 2-9 - 0.181
Streak: 2
Last Win: September 30, 2005
Notes: Melville is an early borderline case. While 2-9 is a bad record, is it truly indicative of a true chump? Perhaps, but when one-third of your losses have come inside a minute, I think that’s more than enough proof. Also, of course there’s no footage of this guy.
Best Names: Tony Zamora, Brian Bourgeois, Ron Rumpf
Jason “The Troll” Carrier
Record: 2-14 - 0.125
Streak: 7
Last Win: July 23, 2011
Notes: Fighting “troll style” seems to entail swinging wide and wild hooks, never connecting, and then wilting under the slightest bit of return fire.
Best Names: Paul Compton, Tyrelle Olding, Cornelius Godfrey, Dillard Pegg
Jeff Carstens
Record: 8-25 - 0.242
Streak: 5
Last Win: January 15, 2011
Notes: I feel bad for Jeff Carstens. He seems to have been a punching bag for some of the Midwest’s most notable names. He met Clay Guida at 1-4, when Guida was 16-3, which is just criminal matchmaking. He faced a 1-0 Tyron Woodley at 6-17, and he faced 10-0 Joe Ellenberger at 8-20. Just an atrocious time for Jeff. Buy Jeff a soda if you see him and tell him it’s ok, the bad men can’t hurt him any more.
Best Names: Ryan Peacock, Adam G, John Rite, Mike Wunderlich, Billy Armstrong, Will Shutt, Jaxson Mason
Ron “The Savage” Carter
Record: 4-18 - 0.181
Streak: 8
Last Win: April 13, 2012
Notes: Ron Carter fights out of Team Grandma Shirley. I wish he was better than he was just for that factoid, but sadly, he’s not very good. It’s more of the same, takedown, some ground and pound, and then a submission. Another day, another literal dollar earned.
Best Names: Daryl Wise, Tristan Yunker, Anton Talamantes, Andenilson Clementino, Danny Surface
Chris Clark
Record: 7-30 - 0.189
Streak: 7
Last Win: December 7, 2007
Notes: The only footage I found of Chris Clark that matches up against someone on his Tapology page was facing a 1-0 Brett Rogers when Clark was 3-13. Needless to say, Clark got punched very hard in the head in a short contest.
Best Names: Token Bell, Cory Walmsley, Jade Link, Mike Block, Eric Tix, Karl Knothe, Jay Schnitzmeyer, Andy Montana, Greg Hammer, Otis Funk, Sean Threefingers, Shane DeZee
Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 2-8 when Fulton was 171-43, at 3-12 when Fulton was 176-43 (7 months apart)
Andy “The Immortal” Cona
Record: 5-35 - 0.125
Streak: 1 (Win)
Last Win: October 26, 2019
Notes: Cona at one point said he fights for his daughter, and while that’s admirable, maybe his daughter should have some humanity and tell her dad to hang up the gloves. Anyway, Andy has the classic “lie back and think of England” grappling style which sees him hold desperately to a headlock at all costs. This basically never works.
Best Names: Ash Davis, Jamie Crisp, Kyle Redfearn, Ashley-James Clive Bridgeman, Jamaine Facey, Lewis Monarch, Stuart Gooch, Galip Koc, Colin Wilby
Nic Cox
Record: 1-12 - 0.076
Streak: 8
Last Win: April 6, 2013
Notes: I found one of Nic’s fights, and it’s just his opponent, Jordan Neer’s friends and family screaming at Jordan to beat Nic’s bitch ass the fuck up. He does, easily, inside of one minute. Thank you for blowing out my eardrums, Jordan’s friends and family.
Best Names: Dennis Deaver, Stoney Stuart
Anderson Cruz
Record: 3-12 - 0.200
Streak: 7
Last Win: August 18, 2012
Notes: It is a shameful thing to find a Brazilian who has no ground game. Anderson looks utterly lost on the floor, simply sticking his arms out to try and create distance or desperate body clinching.
Best Names: Eduardo Wellington, Rizvan Zhantcaev