Lamentable Dustmen - Jobbers of MMA
A is for Awful
MMA is a wild sport. Thousands of people choose to fist fight each other, usually for less money than two weeks at a minimum wage job, all in the hopes of someday possibly achieving the impossible and becoming a world champion, and earning the equivalent of a year’s salary at a minimum wage job in a single night.
Then there are the people who seem to “fight” in the loosest sense of the word. The folks that go out there and lose, lose, lose, and lose some more. Double-digit, half-decade plus losing streaks. And usually, these people aren’t grinding out decisions that just don’t go their way. These people show up for about 90 seconds worth of work, tapping out or just laying limply as ground and pound rains down upon them, then it’s back at it again in a few weeks.
Currently, there is no grand compendium of these professional losers, until now. I’m not a computer whiz. I’m ok at spreadsheets, and that’s about it. I know nothing of creating a script to scrape a database (Frankly, it sounds untowards and rude to the database). All of this is done by hand, artisanal style. Most of these Dust Men are stumbled upon by looking up people for my B-League previews. Someone has a 1-40 guy on the record, and often enough, that leads to more Dust Men as I follow the rabbit hole. Because if you’ve faced one terrible fighter on your come up, chances are you’ve faced a few more.
Also, as a side note, this compendium has begun to serve a secondary purpose. Travis Fulton fought a lot of these dudes, often several times. I mean, it makes sense, you don’t rack up over 200 victories in MMA fighting every other weekend by taking on regular competition, you’ve got to throw in a few cupcakes on the schedule. Am I going to argue that most of these victories should be expunged from Fulton’s record? No, that sounds like even more work. I just want to point out that the dead, racist, sex criminal sucks in a few other ways, too.
Criteria of A Dust Man
Most Dust Men are bad. Real bad. Stinkably bad. 75% loss rate bad. Wins can be counted on a sloppy machinist’s hand kind of bad. You can usually spot a Dust Man because they’re something like 2-17, with 12 first round losses in a row, and their last win came against a debuting fighter who never competed again. Obviously, there’s a bit of leeway when it comes to strict definitions. It’s not quite “I know it when I see it”, but it’s close. Most Dust Men don’t require too much thought of if they are or aren’t terrible losers, the record speaks loudly enough.
Matt “The Wolfman” Albright
Record: 3-25 - 0.107
Streak: 2
Last Win: April 21, 2007
Notes: Albright’s Tapology page is weird as hell. He’s got an amateur record that runs from 06 - 07, and his pro career is 02 - 07. A picture of the man, let alone fight footage, seems impossible to come by. Did Matt “The Wolfman” Albright ever exist? Do any of us really exist? What does it mean to exist? Are we matter, flesh and blood, cells, atoms, protons, neutrons, and electrons? Or are we simply the ephemeral dreamstuff of a fitfully slumbering Titan, and what happens when it wakes? God damn you, Matt “Wolfman” Albright, for making me question reality because nobody has ever seen you get your ass kicked!
Best Names: Wes Love, Billy Blish
Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 0-7 when Travis was 156-42
Mark Aldridge
Record: 3-27 - 0.100
Streak: 15
Last Win: May 21, 2011
Notes: According to commentary on one fight, Aldridge has taken fights from featherweight to middleweight, so imagine if Kenny Florian was dogshit. I watched two of his bouts, one when he was just 1-2, and one of his last fights. In both, he easily got taken down, had his guard sliced to ribbons, and punched until the fight was stopped. He’s got classic British lack of wrestling, which is impressive when other British are the ones making you look worthless on the ground.
Best Names: Jish Iley, Pietro Menga, Venceslau Rangel, Zi Shah
Craig Allen
Record: 5-53 - 0.086
Current Streak: 6
Last Win: March 10, 2018
Notes: Craig Allen, at 5-48 fought for a regional UK title, because LOL. He mostly gets taken down quickly and shows no ability to defend against the evil witchcraft known as grappling, then submits. Again, when British grapplers are making you look incompetent, you know things have gone horribly wrong. Send these numpties to the Snakepit in Wigan to learn a proper grobbit what to keep em of their backs, unlike their lager-besotted mums.
Best Names: Danny Withington, Tolly Plested, Wesley Murch, Ben Deller Smith, Zi Shah, Ian Skivington, Leigh Cohoon
Kenneth Allen
Record: 1-43 - 0.022
Current Streak: 15
Last Win: July 15, 2006
Notes: Allen is apparently a 5’8” welterweight, which isn’t an ideal recipe for success. The picture on Tapology doesn’t look like the guy in the YouTube videos I’ve seen, so I’m a little concerned there’s some kind of trickeration going on. One fight even had him announced with more than one win, so I’m very lost. Will the real Kenneth Allen please stand up? Fuck’s sake, I’m going to have another crisis of existence like the Matt Albright debacle again because these jobbers are all the same guy using different names, or different guys using the same name, or I don’t know what.
Best Names: Rhomez Brower, Tom Hruby, Sam Jackson