JINNAI'S NEW WEAPON a silly El-Hazard fanfic by nem0 --- The caves were dank and musty. Stale water dripped on Jinnai's head as he wandered through the darkness. "Harpo! Margret!" he commanded. "Get those torches out! And cover my head!" The two Bugrom hurried to comply. Jinnai and his small army continued through the tunnels. At long last, they reached a cavern, deep, deep beneath El-Hazard. "Halt!" The contingent froze in their tracks. An altar stood in the center of the opening, lighted by strangely luminescent rocks in the ceiling. Jinnai approached the dias with the caution of a cat in a pound full of vicious dogs. He needn't have worried. The figure held within the altar was held in a state of stasis by a restraining force placed upon it by the ancient denizens of El-Hazard. Warnings were written in every concieveable language, in hope that no one would again awaken the evil that had ravaged the lands so long ago. But Jinnai paid no attention to such warnings. He stared, grinning, at the frozen creature at his feet. The rounded purple body, the flabby, mitten-like paws, the rows of blunt but brutal teeth. This was it. Now he had the upper hand! Mizuhara beware! Jinnai would rule El-Hazard once and for all! He reached out to his new enforcer. "Rise! Rise and serve your new master!" The surrounding Bugrom wisely stepped away from their crazed leader. The thing rose from its old resting place. "Hello there!" it spoke in a high-pitched and slightly nasaly voice. "Do you want to play a game?" It laughed. Jinnai laughed. Their horrific mirth filled the labrinth of caves, spilling out over the plains of El-Hazard. Barney had risen. El-Hazard would be plunged into a time of darkness like no other. *** "I have returned!" Jinnai bellowed as he entered the throne room. "And I have brought the weapon that will spell the doom of our enemies!" Diva shuddered with delight. "Let me see!" Jinnai signaled his Bugrom troops. They rolled forward a cage bearing... "Hello! Let's learn about numbers today!" "Bh'Arnee! You awakened the Purple Scourge?!" The infamous laugh-that-caused-coronaries filled the room. "With this, we are unstoppable! El-Hazard is ours! BWA HAHAHAHA!!" "Oh my..." Diva whispered. Then, turning toward the readers, she said, "Isn't he sexy when he does that? Ooooh." *** "Princess! Princess! Emergency!" an anonymous guard cried, running into the palace garden. "The Bugrom are attacking Floristica! And they have some sort of new weapon!" The princess faced the sweating flunky. "What sort of weapon?" "We're not sure. No one has gotten close enough to identify it and survived." "This is bad..." Rune Venus stared into the distance, deep in thought. What if it was another demon god? Or something the Eye of God had sucked out of another world the last time it was activated? "Send word to the Muldoon priestesses. Have them come at once." "Yes, your majesty." The guard hurried off to do his ruler's bidding. *** Jinnai surveyed the destruction, growing more and more pumped with each explosion, each death, each crushed habitation. This was his final trump card. Within days, all of El-Hazard would be his, to rule as he pleased. His sadistic laughter filled the air. *** The priestesses arrived just before sundown that day. They were immediately rushed into the conference room to consult with the princesses. Rune Venus checked out the room as they entered. "Where are Miz and Fujisawa-sensei?" Shayla just grinned. Afura, being the more mature of the two, hrmphed and said, "They're back at Mt. Muldoon, and they're, how do I say--" Shayla snickered. "Makin' whoopie?" Princess Rune blushed. Afura sighed and hung her head. Makoto and Nanami facefaulted. Fatora and Alielle giggled like little girls. "So the marriage is working out?" Rune said, trying to regain a bit of seriousness. "Now that he's over his running instinct, yes." Afura sat down. "But I don't think we're here to talk about marital affairs. What's this about a new Bugrom threat?" Londs filled the priestesses in on what they had learned of the new super-weapon. "Big and purple, you say?" Shayla looked at Afura. Afura looked at Shayla. They seemed to share a thought. "What is it? Do you know what this thing is?" Fatora had no patience whatsoever. "It seems impossible, but I'm afraid it's true." Afura took a deep breath. "Bh'Arnee has returned." Makoto looked up. "Barney?" It made sense. Well, sort of. Big, purple, liked to sing... "There was a Barney in our dimension, too." "How did you defeat it?" Rune inquired. Makoto looked confused. "Defeat it? It was the main character in a children's show!" The whole room blanched. "How did you survive?" Shayla asked, incredulous. Nanami shrugged. "By the time it came out, I was too old to watch it. So was Makoto. Right?" Makoto's eyes took on a glazed look. "You didn't have any younger siblings." "Oh." "Anyway," an exasperated Rune muttered, "How do you propose we get rid of this thing?" Shayla was just about to open her mouth when... "It's here! The evil thing is here! Roshtaria is under attack!" "WHAT?!" The collected group screeched. "We're outta here. Got a demon freak to fry," Shayla said as she and Afura headed out the door. Alielle clung to Fatora in a death grip the Jaws of Life couldn't have broken. "Oh, protect me Princess!" She looked up at her lover with wide Bambi eyes. Ordinarily Fatora would have been turned on, but under the circumstances... Londs left after the priestesses. "I'll get the army together. We're undermanned, especially after the incident with Ifurita, but we just might be able to protect the city." Something outside crashed to the ground and people screamed. "...Or what's left of it." *** The princesses surveyed the damage from the relative safety of their balcony. In the streets below, there was carnage. Buildings crumbled, livestock ran amuck, people cried out in agony. And in the midst of it all stood the Purple One. His horrific war cry floated above the city like some noxious cloud. "...I love you, you love me..." Princess Rune paled. "It's... It's..." she stammered. "...Hugging people to death." Fatora said, deeply disturbed. *** "Hey! You! Big, purple, and ugly!" Shayla yelled at the hug-happy Bh'Arnee. "Eat this!" She powered up with the Lamp of Fire and shot a burst of flame at his arm. It singed the foam rubber, but did nothing more. "Oh, this isn't good..." she whispered. Bh'Arnee looked at his smoking arm. "That wasn't very nice of you. I think you need to take a time out to think about what you did." "Huh?" Shayla stepped back, not wanting the evil thing to get close enough to drag her into its deadly embrace. Afura touched down behind Bh'Arnee just in time to hear him rake Shayla over the coals for toasting his arm. An idea began to form in her mind... "Bh'Arnee!" she called to the demonic dinosaur. "What's going on?" Bh'Arnee turned around. "I have to punish... um, what's your name?" he asked the somewhat frantic person behind him. "Shayla-Shayla. Why?" "Oh, you should go to a speech-therapist to get that stutter fixed. But Shayla tried to hurt me. She should stop and think before she does things like that again." The stone in Shayla's headband flared up. "WhAt DiD yOu SaY?!" Afura smiled to herself. "You know the Bugrom Homeland beyond those hills over there?" Bh'Arnee nodded. "Well, it's chock full of naughty little kids who need to be taught a lesson. Why don't you go over there and teach them to be kind and gentle or something?" "Why, that's a good idea! Thank you! And you," he finished, pointing to Shayla. "You need to learn to be nice to others. No one likes a bully." With that, he flounced off into the darkness, singing his song. *** Meanwhile, Jinnai was just returning, triumphant, to the Homeland. "Tomorrow El-Hazard belongs to me! AH HA HA HA HA!!!" The Bugrom made gestures of victory as they hoisted their brilliant leader onto their shoulders. But all was not as it seemed. "Hey kids, I think it's time that you learned how to respect the feelings of those around you! Now sing along with me..." Jinnai's jaw dropped to the floor. He picked it up, stuck it back where it belonged, and addressed the serenading psycho. "What do you think you're doing?! You're supposed to be helping me enslave Mizuhara and all his pathetic followers!" "You didn't say please! This means I'll have to teach you to be nicer to people. Let's sing the Politeness song, okay kids?" Jinnai's screams echoed across El-Hazard as Bh'Arnee's voice filled the air with his "music." *** the end...?